I'm not asking you to choose

Statement of Liberation

I would like to declare that this is my blog, for my thoughts, my feelings, and my desire to post whatever the hell I want. 

Please stop trying to control what I post by playing my emotions.

Thank you, have a nice day. 

Reflection

on all the things that happened this year. Every once in a while, when procrastination is at its fullest, my mind starts to drift to all the things I’ve done, could’ve done, should’ve done, wish I hadn’t done. Though I always try to erase the latter, since regrets just tie you to a past that is unchangeable.

I’ve thought about the two biggest fights I have had this past year, and the funny way they’re identical to each other. The first was my break-up with my first boyfriend, the second a break-up with my roommate. Both included a form a truth being divulged, leading to a massive argument, leading to how terrible of a person I am, leading to their hopes that I never find peace, leading to tattling on me to their familes, leading to telling me how much their world hates me, leading to an inevitable split in the relationship.

With my now ex-boyfriend (ex for a long time actually), it started as a let’s-break-up-and-stay-friends. He never gave me the time I needed to properly heal from it, always harassing me with calls and texts, apparently following my posts and facebook, and more. When I finally told him that I would be his friend, his blatant attempts to have me get back with him were ridiculous, let alone the whole don’t-take-care-of-me-but-please-fix-me business. The last time we talked was a nasty, vicious fight.

With my roommate, it started as a compilation of little things that would not stop building up, ending in my outright explosion of how none of it was okay. That lead to a one-sided fight, the last time I talked to her too. 

Heartless, selfish, rude, self-centered, bitch, slut, cold-hearted, malicious, hateful, terrible.

Adjectives used to describe me by both these people, one being someone who supposedly loved me and cared about me for 3 years. 

I’m not sure if they’ll ever realize the scars they’ve left. It’s not very hard to close people off, to pretend that everything is fine and nothing really scars you, especially in front of people who would love to see you fall as hard as you’ve supposedly made them fall. 

And it’s easier to accept these as truth than to fight back. After every fight I’ve had to have someone shake me back to life, pounding into my head continually that no, you’re not like this, come on, snap out of it. 

I hate to be the whiner, hate to be the complainer, hate to regress back to what I was before college. But it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and wanted to write it down.

I’m also tired of being too scared to post anything on my own blog because someone else will read it and share it with the rest of the world. Yes, I don’t mind others reading this, but I’ve always assumed a select few actually read through this. 

But I do feel bad. The thing those two will never realize is I always feel terrible when I hurt other people. 

But you know what, my happiness is important too.

So I’m sorry I couldn’t take care of you and heal your heart. I was the one who broke it, I can’t fix that for you. But I also could not stay in a relationship just because you wouldn’t break down. 

I’m sorry that you had to hear that from me, but sadly I believe there were too many things for us to ever be decent friends. And after all that has been said and done, frankly I’m no where near okay working anything out anyway. I got tired of suppressing things, and I’m sorry it came out in a harsh way. But honestly that was the truth, and I’m not changing it.

It’s been a long past couple of weeks, and I’m exhausted from it. It’s been a long quarter when you can’t feel you can live at your own apartment happily.

But I’m working on it again. Two arms, Two legs, a working body, a wonderful boyfriend, a great handful of friends and a beach day to look forward to.